Throughout my professional journey I have often seen parents getting confused with the terms discipline and punishment, for some they are synonymous, for others they are interconnected but for me they are two distinct words with almost opposite meanings.
Punishment can be defined as the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense or fault (according to the www.dictionary.com). Punishment is another way to say poor handling or rough treatment from the parent in a particular situation. What does punishment look like?
Punishment includes things such as threats, yelling, taking things away, spanking and hitting. In the moment, parents may think that they have handle the situation but in the long run this behaviour has very negative effects on the child. It has been proven that punishment creates resentment, fear of the parents and contributes to lower the child’s self-esteem.
Discipline on the other hand it’s a process; it transforms the child’s misbehaviour into the opposite, a learning opportunity. The main goal of the parent who disciplines is to teach self-discipline to a child, to guide the child to take responsibility for his/her actions and to change behaviour to ultimately cooperate with the parent in that particular situation.
Discipline encompasses both learning TO discipline (parents learning different strategies) and the child learning FROM the incident. It takes time, consistency, patience and an enormous amount of unconditional love. Children respond to respect and positive expectations and once parents model these behaviours the child will replicate the same outside their home. How does discipline look like?
It looks like the following:
- Distract the child;
- Ignore misbehaviour;
- Structure the environment;
- Control de situation - not the child;
- Involve the child;
- Plan time for loving;
- Let go;
- Increase your consistency;
- Notice positive behaviour;
- Excuse the child with a time-out.
Please note that these are some of the strategies you may choose from, taking into account your own beliefs and the child’s age and development stage.
Distract the child
Works for babies and young children under the age of 12 months; take an action without using many words such as give something else to play, remove the child from the situation.
Ignore misbehaviour
Effective for toddlers when they are sulking, showing off, whining, throwing tantrums, interrupting and asking for treats.
Structure the environment
Means that you prepare the environment. Your home should be child friendly so your child can explore and have plenty of hands-on experiences; this is how young children learn about the world around them. The more child friendly your home is the less you will need to say “hands off” and the the more you are encouraging towards independence.
Control de situation, not the child
It means giving children some positive control by setting limits and by giving choices. It helps children to build independence and confidence because they have clear boundaries and a set of options to choose from.
Involve the child
Involve the child in the process of discipline because children learn more about cooperation when they feel heard. One way to involve your child when correcting his/her behaviour, is by applying a consequence of your child’s choice. This will usually work for older children, three and up.
Ask your child “what consequence do you think you should have”? Usually consequences are different from punishment because a consequence often says to the child “I don’t like what you are doing, but I still love you.” Consequences show respect for both (child and adult); they are about the present moment and are focused on the child’s poor decision making rather than on the child itself; they are firm but friendly.
Plan time for loving
Children will only be children once; during their childhood their need your time and attention. Planning special time with your child on a daily basis is important. Play, cuddle, go for a walk, read together, cook together, dress-up. By planning these moments you are being pro-active; preventing behaviour problems, raising emotionally balanced children and bringing harmony into your relationship. If you have more than one child get into the habit of spending individual and quality time with each one of your child, at least once a week.
Let go
Letting go means finding a balance, over-protecting and over-doing for children can be damaging. Children need choices within limits and you as a parent will need to learn when to intervene and when to refrain. Letting go is a process that starts when your child is young and continues over many years.
As you child matures and shows respectful behaviour you will learn to let go more and more. Until then, one good rule of thumb is to ask yourself “will this behaviour help my child learn to cooperate with others?” If the answer is no then you need to intervene and set limits.
Increase your consistency
This basically means treating the same behaviour in the same way no matter where and when. Practice makes it better and you will become better over time, of course do not expect perfection and be gentle on yourself, as a parent too.
The more consistent you are the more effective your discipline will be and your child will know with ease the limits and what to expect. Overtime it is worth the effort.
Notice positive behaviour
Catch them do well; praise them in that moment, when they follow rules, when they cooperate with you and others , take a moment to notice and be vocal “I liked the way you helped to clean up the mess.” This encourages more positive behaviour and is good for the child’s self-esteem.
Excuse the child with a time out
Use this strategy as a last resort, especially for very disruptive behaviours and when nothing is working out or when you feel you are losing your control. Often, a time out gives you a moment of pause so you can regain control over your own feelings and behaviour and are able to proceed more calmly.
Usually time out is effective with toddlers and pre-schoolers when they are hitting and biting; for temper tantrums and constant interruptions.
When raising young children keep in mind the words of L.R Knost and never forget the purpose of parenting. “Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution”.
By Karima Juma
Reference: Systematic training for effective parenting of children under six by Don Dinkmeyer Sr.
About the author
Karima Juma is a former IB and Montessori teacher, currently working as an educational consultant with international schools and as a parent educator. She is also a mindfulness instructor couching parents and children with different learning abilities.
